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The New Year Plot Twist by Dr. Cynthia Phelps

12/30/2015

46 Comments

 
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The high-spirited and humorous Dr. Cynthia Phelps joins Intuitive Living as the "Earth Angel Spotlight" this month with a gorgeous guest post, The New Year Plot Twist. I feel delighted to introduce you to Cynthia's incredible healing work in the world. Enjoy! If you like what you read, please comment and share this post with your friends.
“Be compassionate to yourself. You deserve it, you're a good kid. “
~ Dr. Cynthia Phelps

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If you are anything like me, December brings a time of plotting and scheming what I’m going to create in the New Year. I’m never at a loss to come up with a long list of things to accomplish.  My plans are packed full of items that will require me to make some significant changes, both changes in how I manage my time and usually some health changes. Sometimes my list can get so long and daunting that I want to crawl back into bed and pull up the covers.

So where do I get the motivation to make the daily changes needed to accomplish big goals? There are countless books written on the subject, but I’m going to give you just one simple plot twist to the story of how to make life changes. People who are compassionate towards themselves are better able to make and sustain changes in their life. Right now I know your inner voice is screaming “Nooooo!  I can’t let up on myself or I will just sit on the couch and eat Cheetos all day!” But it turns out, that is not the case. If you motivate yourself with compassion, rather than harsh criticism, you will be more effective at making changes in your life.

Let’s think about it from another perspective, a perspective outside of your head. What would you do if you had a child that came home with a low grade? A critical parent may ridicule the child; calling them stupid and saying they are a disappointment.  
A compassionate parent might recognize that the child is suffering, and offer some words of empathy like “wow, it must not feel very good to get a low grade.” They might share one of their own hardships with the child to let them know they are not alone, and offer some kind words of encouragement with a plan for action. If you were this child, which reaction makes you more motivated to change? I sure would like to have the compassionate parent. If I had the harsh, critical parent, I might just give up on myself.

Here’s the deal, YOU ARE THE CHILD. Stop trying to motivate yourself to change with harsh or critical words. We are taught by our culture that we must be hard on ourselves if we want to accomplish great things.  However, the research is not supporting this commonly held notion.  We find that college kids are better able to accomplish their goals if they are more self-compassionate.  Self-compassion is also positively associated with intrinsic motivation, the same type of motivation that you need to make and sustain healthy behaviors, like exercise.

This year give yourself the gift of resilience. Go ahead and give it a try. The research gives you permission to be that kind, compassionate parent to yourself as you are making changes in the new year.

1. Neff, K. D., Hseih, Y., & Dejitthirat, K. (2005). Self-compassion, achievement goals, and coping with academic failure. Self and Identity, 4, 263-287.
2. Magnus, C. M. R., Kowalski, K. C., & McHugh, T. L. F. (2010). The role of self-compassion in women's self-determined motives to exercise and exercise-related outcomes. Self & Identity. 9, 363-382.


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About Cynthia Phelps, PhD - CEO InnerAlly Inc
Cynthia has a passion to help people improve their mental wellness through the practice of inner compassion. She founded InnerAlly a company that develops mobile technologies to help people practice compassion on a daily basis. Her background is in neuroscience with a focus in learning and behavior change. She has over 18 years of experience in developing tools to help people change their health behaviors. She is also certified as a Peer Recovery Coach and trained in Mindful Self-compassion. Learn more at cynthiaphelps.com.

Mindful Self-Compassion

Dr Phelps is offering a life-changing course in how to practice self-compassion in San Antonio starting January 11, 2016. This 8 week course has been shown to raise your levels of self-compassion so you can make the changes you want in your own life.  Learn more here: cynthiaphelps.com/msc

Copyright Cynthia Phelps 2015


46 Comments
Emily
1/4/2016 06:36:24 pm

So true! Compassion beats out criticism in 2016!

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Cynthia Phelps link
1/4/2016 09:11:46 pm

I like the way you think Emily!

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Nancy Newman
1/4/2016 06:44:45 pm

Love the guest blog by Dr. Cynthia Phelps. It is a new perspective about loving the child within! Sometimes just saying something in a different way will spark recognition and resonance in a reader. Great article.

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Cynthia Phelps link
1/4/2016 09:12:52 pm

I feel like sometimes I can be nicer to myself if I picture myself as a little girl in need of some love!

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Jody Endersbe Groebner link
1/4/2016 06:55:10 pm

I love her! I completely agree with Compassionate Motivation. Motivation works best from love. Thank you Michelle for posting this!

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Cynthia Phelps link
1/4/2016 09:16:47 pm

<3 Thank you!

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Angela link
1/4/2016 07:03:49 pm

This is so spot on! Thank you for sharing! Self-Love and self-compassion are always key to healing and transforming our lives. Your analogy to the child in each of us is always a wonderful reminder to be kinder to ourselves. Congratulations!

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Cynthia Phelps link
1/8/2016 05:30:47 pm

Thank you for your kind words Angela. I've just recently started writing and it's great to get such a positive response!

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Jennifer Shawker
1/4/2016 07:21:49 pm

Very inspiring!

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Katina link
1/4/2016 07:30:47 pm

This is fabulous advise and analogy on how we need to treat ourselves! So many of us are easily compassionate to others but are super critical to ourselves! Thank you for the reminder of self-compassion!

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Cynthia Phelps link
1/8/2016 05:32:39 pm

I find it's easier to be compassionate to my 9 year old self. It just feels appropriate!

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Deanna Cloe link
1/4/2016 07:41:21 pm

Loved your blog! It's so true that as adults we use harsh words to motivate, but as a child we use compassionate words to ourselves and others. Thank you for the reminder!! Awesome.

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Cynthia Phelps link
1/4/2016 09:15:08 pm

Way to use the power of your inner child!

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Lisa Hardwick link
1/4/2016 08:11:41 pm

I really enjoyed this article! Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with the world!

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Kat link
1/4/2016 08:32:23 pm

This is right up my alley! Self Compassion is a big priority for me. Most women are so willing to offer kindness and compassion to others before extending the same courtesy to ourselves. Self compassion is a practice that is so worthwhile and rewarding. Great post!

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Cynthia Phelps link
1/8/2016 05:33:43 pm

Here are some more resources for you!
http://self-compassion.org/

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Kari
1/4/2016 08:50:26 pm

I asked my dad yesterday what my biggest area of improvement was. He asked me why I looked at areas to improve, instead of focusing on the things I was already good at and making them better. It was a powerful lesson to me on self-compassion. How nice to read your post right after :)

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Cynthia Phelps link
1/4/2016 09:16:03 pm

Way to practice compassion, Dad!

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Alicia
1/4/2016 09:12:02 pm

Divine timing for me to receive this message. 2016 is my year to nurture my inner child!

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Tracy
1/4/2016 09:16:33 pm

Perfect timing! I have seen the shift to compassion when raising our kids. Using the same concept of compassion towards ourself makes complete makes complete sense. Thank you for this article!

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Mickey mackaben
1/4/2016 09:24:50 pm

I actually began to cry like a child when I read this... I have been really angry at myself lately.

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Cynthia Phelps link
1/7/2016 02:38:21 pm

I'm so happy it made a difference in your life. You can give yourself a break! hugs.

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Angela Serna link
1/4/2016 11:05:40 pm

Great reminder that we also need to be compassionate to ourselves as it is usually that small child within us that is effected. Thanks Dr. Cynthia Phelps for sharing your wisdom.

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Cynthia Phelps link
1/5/2016 10:11:50 am

My small inner child needs some love! Thanks for your comment Angela.

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Mary
1/4/2016 11:09:11 pm

The first step is to awaken to the negativity with which we speak to ourself. Thank you for this enlightening and affirming article and for the LIGHT that your work is shining in this world.

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Cynthia Phelps link
1/5/2016 10:10:42 am

So true Mary! Sometimes we get so used to that negative voice we forget we don;t have to live that way. Great reminder, thanks.

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Lori A Andrus link
1/5/2016 06:38:43 am

Yes! . . . Thank you, Dr. Cynthia! I had a beautiful conversation with a client yesterday about compassion and how it creates space for deeper understanding, new ideas, and space for everyone to rise. This is a beautiful 'new plot' for the new year!

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Cynthia Phelps link
1/5/2016 10:09:33 am

I love how showing yourself compassion creates a safe space for self-exploration. You are right on the money on this!

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Alexis link
1/5/2016 08:20:51 am

Wow, so true! A good reminder after a rough morning with my kiddos. I'm trying to give them "tapes" in their heads that are not critical, but when I get stressed my own critical voice comes out... Always a chance to practice improvement, right? Thanks for the reminder. :)

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Cynthia Phelps link
1/5/2016 10:07:47 am

It's totally a practice! So the good news is that you have a new opportunity every day! (Maybe even more than one!) :-)

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Athena
1/5/2016 08:55:38 am

love this, so true! i used to have a photo of little me that i kept out to remind myself that i was that child and to treat her gently - thanks for the blog it was a well timed reminder and inspired me to find that photo again :)

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Cynthia Phelps link
1/5/2016 10:06:26 am

Athena, that is such a fabulous idea! I'm going to dig out a picture of little me, so I have it handy when I need some love.

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Marci link
1/5/2016 10:34:13 am

Thank you so much for the reminder. Self-compassion is the key to a compassionate world.

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Cynthia Phelps link
1/7/2016 03:49:51 pm

You got it Marci! If we can love ourselves we are better able to love others.

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Chelle Thompson
1/5/2016 11:11:20 am

Incredible revelation to change the way things have always been done and make the world a better place: " We are taught by our culture that we must be hard on ourselves if we want to accomplish great things. However, the research is not supporting this commonly held notion. We find that college kids are better able to accomplish their goals if they are more self-compassionate. "

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Cynthia Phelps link
1/7/2016 03:48:57 pm

Oh boy, and when you practice it....it feels SO much better.

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Mica link
1/5/2016 01:07:41 pm

I love this! I often suggest to my clients that why not love yourself while you make difficult changes instead of punishing?

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Cynthia Phelps link
1/7/2016 03:37:14 pm

That's some good advice Mica. It looks like the research supports the idea that people with higher levels of self-compassion are better at making and sustaining change, like dieting or quitting smoking. What a bonus, we get to make the changes we want AND be pleasant to ourselves.

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Linda Joy link
1/5/2016 07:07:40 pm

Thanks for the sacred reminder that with love and self-compassion all our dreams are possible.

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Cynthia Phelps link
1/7/2016 03:35:19 pm

Thank you for the kind comment Linda. I love your name!! :-)

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Tresa
1/5/2016 08:42:09 pm

f you motivate yourself with compassion, rather than harsh criticism, you will be more effective at making changes in your life. This 8s something to read every day for the reminder we are ok. Thank you for push.

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Edward
1/5/2016 10:38:34 pm

Thank you for the thoughts!
I've actually sat down and at a whole bag of Puffed Cheetos when I was in my teens... Brought back some serious memories of an upset stomach.

Cheers to a great year in 2016!

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Shann link
1/7/2016 07:24:14 pm

Here's to taking exquisite care of ourselves in the new year!

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Karen link
1/9/2016 07:10:04 am

Great advise for the New Year. Keep it simple, self-compassion. Be as compassionate and loving to ourselves as we are to our children.

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The Happy Goddess link
1/10/2016 08:09:17 am

Favorite line from the blog! "People who are compassionate towards themselves are better able to make and sustain changes in their life.” #truewords

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Ande Lyons link
1/17/2016 04:01:19 pm

I LOVE this post featuring Dr. Cynthia Phelps beautiful self compassion wisdom.

So often we are kind, loving and generous with everyone else except our own Divinely Delicious Self!

Bringing Peace to the World begins within our Self. Looking in the mirror and saying I Love You... giving yourself a Love Hug... and using loving Self Talk is a terrific place to start.

Blowing you kisses filled with gratitude and appreciation - MUAH! ♥

Ande

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    Author

    Michelle Mullady is an internationally known spiritual life coach, best-selling motivational/inspirational author, master energy therapist, angel intuitive and transformational healing workshop leader. Through in-person and online consultations, workshops, events, radio appearances, and writing for 20 years, she helps others reclaim their physical energy and personal joy and find their life’s direction. She lives in San Antonio, Texas where she operates her thriving private practice, Intuitive Living, dedicated to the highest healing and awakenings possible for each individual client.

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